Love Me Again

You’re here. You’re back again. You’re standing at the edge of my attention, pushing yourself through the thick walls of my painful experience of having trusted you too much. 

You are not even using force. My walls are weak infront of you. You’re so beautiful, you’re magical, and breathtaking… and all those other words a person uses to describe the most joyful happening in life. 

You’ve been on my mind always. Often you inspire me; you’re like the mother who supports her son’s first baseball match, even though she doesn’t know anything about baseball. 

My wish was never to show you that I’m stronger or better. You wanted me to know my worth… That’s what I did. I’ll show you how much I know my worth.

And sorry, you’ve got none of my attention. You don’t deserve it. I have learned my worth. I’ve earned my worth. Yes, I stumble and fall; but I wont let you see me falling. 

I wouldn’t care who sees me weak on the floor, licking my wounds, and screaming everytime my dry tongue touches the blood. I will not let your poor soul see my beauty under this cage of strength. This cage is my home now. 

I can shout to the world and warn every poor girl to never make a man their home. A man will cherish you, tame you, phase you and slowly kill you… You will let him, because you forgot to put boundries in the first place. 

Dear world, he came to me. He saw me working hard on me. He saw me going away from him and he noticed that I was going to fade forever from his life, if he didn’t take action. 

His slow actions made me pity myself. He doesn’t deserve me. He agrees on this. But I want it to be him. I want him to deserve me. But I should never degrade. I have my standard. He will join one day, when he learns to let go of his ego and fake shields, but I doubt I’ll still want him.

He is a gentle memory in my lonely hours, he is a beautiful poem uttered by the trees and carried to the wind. He is a kiss given on an ice-cold cheek, to make the whole body warm up. 

He is a delicate and fragile thought, consistently in the back of my mind somewhere. And damn, I kiss him well-hidden in the dark rooms of my mind and he pins me to the wall and kisses me in the way I have never been kissed before. 

His kiss contained lust and hate. I could sense he didn’t love me from the taste of his lips. He never loved me. And till this day, I never even touched him, but I know he doesn’t love me by the way he kisses me in the dark alleys of my mind’s countries. 

I let my head sink. I sigh. I need to go to sleep. He is keeping me awake. He is harming my body, my health. His thoughts or his conversations… I’m not sure. But I’m sure he never layed down like I did, listening the songs that remind me of him. 

I still love him. He came back. He tries. I can’t let him. He hurt me so much and too much. I’m missing him and he will never be mine. So shall it be.