Traffic lights and my heart

Everyone that goes out in the everyday traffic, is aware of the fact that the red indicates to stop and standstill. Only a pathetic madman would risk moving when the lights are red.

Red is a dangerous color, it is used for danger and stop signs, but it is also the color of love and romanticism. Red roses have a very prepossessing effect on a person who is in love.

Whilst looking at things that make you remember the person you adore, you remember them with great fondness and a beauty of it’s own. I strongly believe in the color psychology, because just like words, even colors can make you feel in a certain way.

This beautiful color shows energy and passion, and when this passion is fulfilled, agony is mixed with it. Love is the kind of drug I would consume, letting it harm me to the fullest. My perception of love is not deluded. It has left me in torment and I cannot escape it by will.

If someone forces me to stop, the same sign will also make me want to scream, and to let go of these selfish rules.  No one can help me through this, not even the human I have based my everything on. The word ‘everything’ is a bit too extreme, but for an uncontrollable feeling felt for that one human being, it is just right.

They think that the person I have desired in the ungodly hours of the night, is easy to vanish from my mind, but it’s not. I wanted to give in with all my heart, body, mind and spirit, but that person took it away from me. I don’t blame him for it, because, goddamn, the fleeting moment of his affection was enough to drag me back to him.

His love and attention was ephemeral; he only came when he had nothing better to do. I know I am deflating myself, by saying he didn’t love me, but I could feel the cold in his heart, by the words he uttered.

I was devoted towards him and was willing to show him loyalty, by letting no other person as close as I let him. It hurt me for all the other men, who thought they could give me more, because once upon a time, even he thought he was ‘more’ for me.

“Don’t settle”, that’s what all said. But I was willing to take the bullet if I had to. He could never spot the love in my heart or the severe pain I was in because of his behavior. Those who we love are never forgotten, but I ask myself; is he forgiven for his actions?


8 thoughts on “Traffic lights and my heart

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  1. You’re words are amazing. I’m quite new to this blog idea. Might take a while to be as brave to open up like u. Ur feelings mirror my last year and 2 weeks. Uv definitely a great love to write. A very skilled trait to come across. Ur place maybe. Ur skill to understand how it feels gives u the advantage and see the traffic lights link. After over a year feeling for someone who doesn’t want to be there anymore I still find it tough. After 25 years you’d think you could have trusted them. What happened ripped me to shreds. I’m never going to heal. I’m still in shock I think. I hope you’ll feel better as ur a young woman. For an old 48 year old bloke I’m not really living yet. Time will heal. I’ve to be patient.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It means a lot to get feedback, and I’m glad you liked it. I was not able to share any of my thoughts/writings for a very long time, up until I got convinced to do so. I believe that words are able to make you feel, understand and live the situation. To put the confusion in mind to words was very hard and will always be, but sometimes words do take their flow. I cannot possibly imagine what you’re going through but I am familiar with the pain caused by love. Healing is a very slow process of our heart accepting the truth. Maybe try writing about overcoming this heartbreak? It is very painful but the often you speak about it and show honesty about your emotions, you can get to the point of acceptance. Moving on is a hard thing especially if you have been with that person half of your lifetime. You will have to forgive that person and show your love nonetheless what happened. You will only be greater if you put the happiness of the one you love before you. Let them live, but don’t forget to live yourself! Good luck.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree. I’ve been a writing personal journal including my feelings Day by day. Ur written work is mature beyond ur years. I’m getting counselling help through my church which has helped and they encourage writing. Over the years of other breakdowns due to physical disabilities again part of the process is writing down ur feelings and keeping pain journals. It included anything that triggered stress which increases pain. My daughter has had ME for 2-3 years too. Trying to hold my family together was tough. My wife and eldest daughter were tough on her. Separation was inevitable or worse. I stood by my wee girl with ME. I knew my wife had another man and I forgave her. I knew for a year and a half until I caught them together on a night out. I totally broke to pieces. I held it together for Katie who hated her mom and Sister. Eventually Katie and I got away from the emotional abuse we both had been taking and are together building our life up again. Katies boyfriend of 2-3 years and her are having a baby in September and I’ve hope again. I forgave everyone who told lies against me especially my wife and her sister. I took Jesus back into my life and things are improving but it’s slow. Some days I’m so fried with morphine and diazepam, with another 10 types of tablets for depression, anxiety and nerve pain.
    I focus on the happy things if I can. Love is an amazing feeling. I still love me wife and she claims to love me. Then she dropped the bombshell last November and filed for divorce and sold our home. Broken hit me again. Anyway I’ve found ur writing very mature and strong. Uv helped me. I’m grateful. All the best from Ireland ☘️😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate it when another person is in pain and this has literally brought tears to my eyes by trying to imagine your and Katie’s situation. I will not say that it will all get alright, because that is a promise and the purpose of life is that you’ll always have something that gives you pain. Pain teaches us to search more for happiness. Your happiness I can see coming from your small family which includes Katie, her boyfriend and her little one. You’ll be a grandfather and that’s honestly such a cute thing. Give all your attention to her and the baby. Eventually all other things will vanish. The world gives us cruel people, but also kindness to fight them off. I believe that you can get through this. I am a Muslim and do not go to church, but I strongly admire the fact that you have found your belief and trust in God. God will always protect his people and I hope that He has mercy on you and decreases your pain. Just know that you’ll make it through and life does indeed move forward. I have also found courage to write and share my experiences on this blog. All the best!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for ur encouragement, support and kindness. I’ve definitely a focus ahead. Faith in God has helped me. It doesn’t matter what faith u are as long as it’s a help to you. Being a Grandad lifts my heart and Katie is so strong for such a young woman. A new chapter ahead. Thanks for all ur help. Ur blogs have helped me a lot. We’ll always have times of heartbreak but it’s life. We live and learn. Keep on writing. Uv an amazing talent beginning to bloom.

        Liked by 1 person

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