Cry alone tonight

The sky today is full of sunshine, no dark clouds can be seen, and in one house, somewhere in a room, there is a tiny little me. 

Alone.

I’m alone and I am crying my eyes out; I am in pain and this damn sorrow hit me, oh it hit me all over again. When I start feeling good again, it comes and ruins all of it. 

What can a few words even make me do? Two weeks ago some kind words made me survive, and today a few lies are making me slit my wrists open again. They are making me regret ever falling in love, they are making me regret to ever try to move on. 

It’s all in my head I say, and I am happy, I am glad to have everything I have now. Problem is, that all this pain is from right now, and I was sobbing. I decided to write my feelings out, just like everyone tells me to do, but dear God, my phone screen is all wet, I’m shedding too many tears. 

I wanted to stop pulling my hair, I wanted to have the audacity and strength that I have right now to type, and tell that I am not a toy. I am a human and I deserve to be treated right. I feel horrified by it and I can’t do anything against how I am feeling.

I’m going through a heartbreak caused by a relationship that I never had. 

I wanted to be reckless and free, and no matter if it killed me, I would do all of it to forget. I was willing to give my all out somewhere and let myself be washed out. 

I feel defeated and shattered for the millionth time. 

I see no exit and the exit I see doesn’t let me go. 

I’ll go there again, and I’ll be willing to get out again. 

I’m alone in this.