Survival

*written in the hospital*

The worst thing after a failed suicide attempt, is that people call you suicidal. I find it very toxic how they were talking and looking at me in the hospital. I know that they might have experienced worse cases, but for someone who doesn’t get hurt or ill, it is very strange. 

This hospital is not a place for the free soul I am. I can’t be captured here for hours and days; but the fault was mine. I was the one who was going to let herself be caught by the angel of death. I sold my soul to the devil, when I decided that I no longer wanted to live, but the angels still held me; stopped me. 

I look back to the minutes when everything faded, and I was focused to end my poor existence. People used to tell me that everything will be okay, but who had known that one day my pain and suffering will take such a direction, that I’d think to give up? 

I had selfharm scars all over my body and on the hospital bed I scrolled my sleeves up to my elbows, and the end of my leatherpants up to my knees, and stared at the scars I had; some were recent. 

I looked back at the day, where I promised my friend that I would not selfharm tonight and look, I kept my promise, but I ended up almost taking my own life.

Now in the hospital I think about all kinds of reactions from myself at that moment. The relief of my sorrow, the fear of God and the grave, the people who love me that I’d make upset with this decision… I saw everything, but I still considered to end my life. 

I remember how I awaited death. My eyes burnt due all that crying I had done, my head banging like crazy and I was spinning like in that roller coaster I used to sit in when I was a little girl. 

I was no longer afraid of that roller coaster and I was determined to let it lead me to death. After all this rush, I felt myself floating and I couldn’t stop thinking if this is how I’d die. 

I always knew that words had a massive impact on me and : “There is so much more to life”, did convince me. 

Now lying around here, I wonder if there actually is “so much more”, or if people create it, find it, or just call whatever they find “so much more”. Do we accept it or do we actually work hard for it? 

I mean you can’t claim that this is all there is, unless you haven’t tried to explore. What I did was quitting, ending, giving up. Honestly speaking, the oportunities you could have, are the things you’re going to regret the most, therefore live your life to the fullest. Your time will come, and its a life worth it.  

I still can’t speak about my reasons, but I’m able to say that I’ve been to hell and back, and there isn’t much difference between them two unless you choose to live in the better. 

Choose to be happy; satisfied… And love all those goddamn precious people around you who are there for you, even if you feel you have nobody, there are so many people who got your damn back and will always have it. 

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5 thoughts on “Survival

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  1. Stay strung my love x I am always covered in many scars and feel disgusted with what I am doing to myself. I am slowly noticing that as I am healing my mind my scares are healing too. Many people see self harm and suicidal as attention sleeping but really it is a sign of survival of the battle within yourself. ❤️

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