So here I am

So here I am sitting in my warm living room, trying to find the words, to describe the feeling I am having right now. 

I have tried to find ways to express myself and ways to kill the emotions, but what is done, has to be said. 

I was painfully struggling with life and searching for reasons to look ahead but whenever I look towards my future, I see nothing. 

I am blinded by the sorrow that surrounds me like dark clouds, who do not let a soul escape from their darkness. They like to capture various souls and never let them return to the light.

The definition of light in my heart is happiness, and the time I am talking about, I was lost and almost drowning in my depression. 

Depression is often mistaken for sadness, which is just wrong. I never felt that I was sad and that I could keep myself busy and entertain me, so it would go away, even if just for a temporary amount of time. 

My heart was aching, and my soul was travelling through crowds of people, trying to find a single soul, that could understand me, for as “I understand you” has always had more meaning to me than “I love you”. 

Love comes off as deceptive to me. And yes, I have been there. I have loved; I have sinned. I couldn’t possibly get my attention towards something else. 

No, I am not an ordinary young teenage girl, that would listen to songs or cherish pictures and texts, to remind myself of the person who owns my heart and soul. 

Nor does my sadness come from him only, for as he came in my life when I was already in pain. 

Further more I do not allow myself to speak, because I need to gather enough courage to talk, to share, whatever he was. 

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